What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 09:39
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was very sick at this time too.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She loved him until the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He resisted the act ,that day.
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Comes on , in middle age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I waited trembling.
She married twice! .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My family never makes their pension either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was 9 years of age.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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I said to her
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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I will be 64.
When she asked me how she looked .
I never cut or harmed myself..
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So whats the point in blame.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Would this be the day?
Why did my ex replace me so fast?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So, i spoilt her more .
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Increased screen time linked to aggression, anxiety, low self-esteem in kids, study finds - ABC News
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I think the readers, may guess!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was seconnd youngest,
I was scared of men, in general
Im still living with it.
She was in good health!
He knew the spot.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We all went to grammer schools
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
All the time i was locked up.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She found it foreign!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One cannot live in the past .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But it wasn’t much.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And i lived it daily.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
What did i know ?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Who then, do I blame.?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
This is soul school!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I don,t even have a pension.
But, we were locked up after school.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Was to survive, this bastard.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She wouldn,t have been !
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I could never make a relationship work though!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My life is so biszare .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
It was going to be , some day.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We were not on the streets..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I have no regrets .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Ive learnt so much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.